We are now entering the third week of summer, since school ended. And I unexpectedly feel burned out. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to prepare you and your child for a new routine, the transition will be turbulent. I will say, I expected regression and a lot of questions. What I did not expect was for every day to still be just as intense as the last. While we've enjoyed the dance camp, the extra time with family, the freedom of not having to plan around school. We also are dealing with a lot of aggression, defiant behavior, regression with speech, and melt downs. It's so hard to think how just a few weeks ago we weren't having these kind of issues. This being her first year in school or anything outside of my care, I had no idea just how much constancy she truly needs. Don't get me wrong, I'm very aware to her struggle with change in routine or anything new at that matter. But this is the first time in her life where she truly had a routine and when it stopped (school) she suffered. Within a week of being out of school we struggled to understand over half of what she was saying. Watching her flourish this year and seeing her speech take off was so amazing. Now, it's like all that work is slipping away. Her ability to cope is no longer redirecting her attention and stimming. She literally has become so emotional, aggressive, fearful, and full of anxiety. I can't tell you how upset I was when I realized Summer school didn't start today, it actually starts next week. I'm so grateful she'll be receiving services over the Summer through the school. As any special needs parent can tell you, it's expensive. And usually multiple therapies are recommended. These run at about 50 dollars an hour, and that's with insurance. So you're looking at a couple hundred a month just to try to get your child or loved one the help they need. Yes, there's medicaid. Unfortunately, a lot of us don't qualify, so cost are all out of pocket. Autism is hard, and expensive. I keep reminding myself that this really hard on Olive too. It's hard on everyone, but it's so important to not get too defeated. But what can you do? Just keep pushing through.
This past 2 weeks I've been really focusing on taking time for myself, eating better, and working out. I recently stopped taking one of my medications for my anxiety and depression, and it was hell. I had been taking Celexa now for a year or longer. While the past year or so as been great and filled with much joy, I struggled with the usual suspects; social anxiety, paranoid thoughts, struggling to see my self worth, trying to get a grip on some health issues, and the age-old estranged family complex. I'm just at a place now where I feel I can get a better grip on things, and I no longer feel broken as I felt before. I still deal with anxiety and paranoid thoughts, but I've have managed to get out of the habit of letting it dictate my life. As crazy as it sounds, working out has brought me a lot of peace. After years and years of trying different medications and mixing medications, I've found working out has helped silence a lot of the chatter. I still am not out of the woods yet, I still take another medication as well. But I feel stronger than I have in a very long time. I feel loved, I feel safe, I feel confident, and most of all I feel worthy.